Don't Eat the Black Popcorn
Here, in its entirety, is an email I received this morning from one of my freshmen. I give it to you here because it is, hands down, the best "Touching Narrative"* I have EVER, EVER received in my entire career. I have the student's permission to blog it, but I have taken the student's name out, in case the student ever becomes a state senator; I'd hate for this to turn up later during some delicate career moment. (*I used to say, in my syllabi, that I would not accept late papers in the literature classes, but I stopped doing that because it's A Lie, and so now I require "Touching Narratives." Other students, take heed. This is what you're aiming for.)
hello dr. brannen, this is Anonymous Student from your 10am thinking
and writing class. i'm writing you this little email to let you know
that i may not be attending your class today. an unfortunate thing
happened to me last night, and i sadly have no one to blame but myself.
we were watching i love lucy last night around 11 when i was half way
through my paper, and i decided to make some popcorn. my floormates
microwave is unlike one i've ever used before but i cooked the popcorn
for the standard 3 minutes and 45 seconds as you would in any other
microwave. my bag of popcorn, however, still looked deflated so i
cooked it for another 2 minutes...still deflated, another
minute...still deflated, another minute. about halfway through that
last minute the popcorn started to smell of smoke, so i whipped it out
of the microwave and ran into the hall so i wouldn't leave that burnt
popcorn smell in their room. upon entering the hall and opening the bag
steam did not come out, but instead smoke came out, from actual burning
popcorn. it continued to smoke, and of course the hall filled with a
disgusting haze of burnt popcorn smell. i opened a window and dug
around in the popcorn bag to try to find where it was burning. at last
i discovered the black heart in the center of the bag that was as hot
as anything, and i pulled it out with my bare hands and threw it in a
trashcan, only now am i thinkin of how lucky it was that the trashcan
did not burst into flames. after this excitment i looked in the popcorn
bag and seeing that some of the popcorn was still edible, and being a
poor college student not ready to waste anything, i ate that
multicolored popcorn anyway.after eating a good 3 quaters of the bag i
started to feel pretty nauseus and decided to try to dodge further
illness by going to sleep. I don't think popcorn that is grey and black
should be consumed, and if the surgeon general hasn't already put out a
warning concerning such they should immediately. this is the reason for
my email. no less than an hour and a half ago i woke up in a sweat, and
lucky me, i got to see that popcorn all over again while kneeling on
the disgusting floor of our communal restrooms praising the porcelain
god. so as of now my physical condition is not looking good, and
despite the fact that writing you this email is making me feel a little
better i'm anticipating another visit from the popcorn i just should've
said no to. i will be sending my paper, hopefully in it's entirety,
with one of my classmates this morning but will not be making an
appearance myself. if nothing else my ignorance has taught me one
important lesson and that is that popcorn, when cooked correctly,
should consist of white and yellow kernels and of no other color. and
one surely should not eat the contents of a popcorn bag if the bag of
popcorn they cooked was on fire, and thus contains a rainbow of colors
that are really varying shades of black. learn from my mistake dr.
brannen so that you and your family can be safe from this kind of
catastrophy in your home.
sincerely,
Anonymous "I shouldn't have eaten that" Student
I'm sorry my beloved student got all ill and stuff, but boy, I sure appreciate that story.
As for the kitten issue: there are now two (2) appleheaded chocolate point Siamese/Balinese kittens hiding under the sofa in the child's room. They are the darlingest things ever. The reason you cannot see them is that Blogger, being a bastard spawn of Satan disguised as a blogging program, has cause me no end of grief and won't fix the problem. I have a week off at American Thanksgiving. I intend to switch programs. If you have actual real advice such as will be helpful, please leave that advice in the comment section. Then, later, when I switch programs, you may enjoy pictures of the cutest damn cats on the face of the planet. Thank you. Please do not eat black popcorn.
hello dr. brannen, this is Anonymous Student from your 10am thinking
and writing class. i'm writing you this little email to let you know
that i may not be attending your class today. an unfortunate thing
happened to me last night, and i sadly have no one to blame but myself.
we were watching i love lucy last night around 11 when i was half way
through my paper, and i decided to make some popcorn. my floormates
microwave is unlike one i've ever used before but i cooked the popcorn
for the standard 3 minutes and 45 seconds as you would in any other
microwave. my bag of popcorn, however, still looked deflated so i
cooked it for another 2 minutes...still deflated, another
minute...still deflated, another minute. about halfway through that
last minute the popcorn started to smell of smoke, so i whipped it out
of the microwave and ran into the hall so i wouldn't leave that burnt
popcorn smell in their room. upon entering the hall and opening the bag
steam did not come out, but instead smoke came out, from actual burning
popcorn. it continued to smoke, and of course the hall filled with a
disgusting haze of burnt popcorn smell. i opened a window and dug
around in the popcorn bag to try to find where it was burning. at last
i discovered the black heart in the center of the bag that was as hot
as anything, and i pulled it out with my bare hands and threw it in a
trashcan, only now am i thinkin of how lucky it was that the trashcan
did not burst into flames. after this excitment i looked in the popcorn
bag and seeing that some of the popcorn was still edible, and being a
poor college student not ready to waste anything, i ate that
multicolored popcorn anyway.after eating a good 3 quaters of the bag i
started to feel pretty nauseus and decided to try to dodge further
illness by going to sleep. I don't think popcorn that is grey and black
should be consumed, and if the surgeon general hasn't already put out a
warning concerning such they should immediately. this is the reason for
my email. no less than an hour and a half ago i woke up in a sweat, and
lucky me, i got to see that popcorn all over again while kneeling on
the disgusting floor of our communal restrooms praising the porcelain
god. so as of now my physical condition is not looking good, and
despite the fact that writing you this email is making me feel a little
better i'm anticipating another visit from the popcorn i just should've
said no to. i will be sending my paper, hopefully in it's entirety,
with one of my classmates this morning but will not be making an
appearance myself. if nothing else my ignorance has taught me one
important lesson and that is that popcorn, when cooked correctly,
should consist of white and yellow kernels and of no other color. and
one surely should not eat the contents of a popcorn bag if the bag of
popcorn they cooked was on fire, and thus contains a rainbow of colors
that are really varying shades of black. learn from my mistake dr.
brannen so that you and your family can be safe from this kind of
catastrophy in your home.
sincerely,
Anonymous "I shouldn't have eaten that" Student
I'm sorry my beloved student got all ill and stuff, but boy, I sure appreciate that story.
As for the kitten issue: there are now two (2) appleheaded chocolate point Siamese/Balinese kittens hiding under the sofa in the child's room. They are the darlingest things ever. The reason you cannot see them is that Blogger, being a bastard spawn of Satan disguised as a blogging program, has cause me no end of grief and won't fix the problem. I have a week off at American Thanksgiving. I intend to switch programs. If you have actual real advice such as will be helpful, please leave that advice in the comment section. Then, later, when I switch programs, you may enjoy pictures of the cutest damn cats on the face of the planet. Thank you. Please do not eat black popcorn.
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